4.27.2008

I’ve had these dreams.

For a long time, I’ve had these dreams. Rock and roll. Music-making. Art. The Creative Life.

Things got in the way: lots of them. Got married (no regrets, but we married before we knew each other, and hence ourselves, and a lot of drama and tragedy and missteps ensued), had children, tried a “safe” career, got debt, got out of debt…

All of these couple with the fact that I was probably never healthy enough for it in the first place. As my loving sister (who will no doubt read this) said emphatically (though lovingly), “Maybe you’re just not healthy enough for success!”

On top of that, I’ve never been the most, um, driven person in my family. Lots of talent, no drive. That’s the rap on Eric. The only thing I ever had was this deep-rooted, concrete-stubborn streak to never. Let. Go. Of. The. Dream.

Well, after making music inside the wall of a church for about 10 years now, I’ve slowly become healthy (and driven) enough to venture—seriously—outside. Got a group of guys together who simultaneously push and protect me, both relationally and creatively, and we made a record…

And I started to dream.

I saw it all laid out before me: a business built, a ministry that trades in transcendance and art and music. Five guys who should have never been a band but somehow came together and even though they almost broke up once a week managed to stick it out and make some decent tunes.

I saw my dream.

And so we made a “plan,” and we started to follow it.

And now, things are starting to happen.

+ A friend of ours, who owns the place we record, has now decided to give—that’s right, G-I-V-E the studio to us because he respects what we could possibly do with the gear. Bam, into our lap. A studio worth tens of thousands of dollars. (No exaggeration).

+ In five days, we leave for a two-day trip to Nashville—where we will play a Friday night show in a good room, and then to Chicago where will play a Saturday night show in a great room. We are taking ads out on Facebook, we are pursuing media coverage.

I feel like I am getting the chance I’ve always wanted. For once in my life, everything is lining up, and I seem to able to say, “The ball is in my court.” I can show people what is in my heart, what I was “meant” for (no sermons from the Believers out there, please; I know what I was really meant for).

… And now I am nervous as hell.

What if I’m really not that good? What if I really am too old, too insecure. What if this is the only way that God could have me understand that this door in my life, this chapter, should’ve been opened/written a long time ago, and that I need to just be a family man, and raise my children and love my wife?

Ugh.

So I fight against the tendency to self-sabotage, the broken shard inside me (largely, I believe, inherited from my mother) to just see the worst thing that can happen, and then wait for it.

I fight against the tendency to just freak out, and tense up so much that it will be impossible for me to bring my strengths to the table this week (and beyond).

I fight against the tendency to overreact, to throw the baby out with the bath water, on the odd chance that we fail.

The ball is in my court.

This is what I’ve been waiting for?

2 Comments:

At 9:32 AM , Blogger nomadic waif said...

The questions are real...the fear is real...art has to be about articulating reality as the individual interacts with it. Live in your reality.

 
At 11:44 AM , Blogger beth said...

You know what I think. Live in the moment. All this reaching for somebody else's vision of success cripples your soul.

I think this is the proccess you are meant to walk through, that 'wandering soul of a pilgrim'. The only way you will find healing is by facing those demons and walking through the fire.

 

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