It’s not cool in the entertainment/music business to admit insecurities.

We are expected to emerge as fully-blown myths, creative titans that go away and cook up intoxicating dishes of escapism that help people transcend their lives. We are supposed to be focused assholes, existing on the power of our unrestrained egos. Even those of us who choose to be vulnerable are sometimes simply wallowing in the power of their own self-pity.

But that is so far from the truth, and so I’m going to pray.

God, I really don’t know what I’m doing…

I’m almost 40 years old, and I’ve begun a band, an enterprise that most 26-year olds are already too old for.

Twelve months ago I was so sure: that somehow this was/is what I was made for. Parker Palmer says that “vocation” lives in the place where your deepest joy and the world’s deepest need meet. My world needs transcendence and pastoral music. My deepest joy is to play music and lead people.

But now, Lord, I am 10 months into this, and I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing. We are about to drive 16 hours to play a 75 minute set, and though I thought I understood what the “point”—the strategy—was, but I am riddled with self-doubt.

What is this enterprise going to cost me, and can I pay it? Nights away from my family? Distraction from my “other job”. Hours of sleep (8? Puh-lease!).

So God, I am asking You to continue to lead. The good news is that Maida Vale is now bigger and more dynamic than anything I’ve ever been a part of, and it’s only the tip of the iceberg in terms of what we’re capable of. But I am spinning and drowning, overwhelmed by the multiple “wings” and arms of our business and ministry.

I need focus, and I also (selfishly) ask you to do a mighty, unexpected, undeserved work in our midst. A song in a movie, a critic who hears something, a casual mention on a music blog. Anything that would help us to “leapfrog” the levels of this business that I should’ve been navigating 13 years ago.

And protect my family. Guard my marriage and children, and keep my mind focused, alert, and safe.

I’m thankful for this group of guys; I’m thankful that we were able to make a record that represents so much of the artistic vision of the band; I’m thankful that we’ve gotten breaks already.

But I’m hopeful for more. I know it’s more than I deserve. I just wanted to be honest.


At 8:37 PM , Blogger beth said...

And I love you for this.


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