Freaky, freaky God.

He is all over me right now. As Psalm 139 says, "He hems me in."

See, I have this problem. Not really ready to go into it in front of the 3 people who actually read this, but I have bad habits, habits that have been with me since I was in my teens. Oh, it's better now that I'm pushing 40, but they are still a very real struggle for me.

And I work nights.

So I find myself so many times alone at night, and wanting to fix. Wanting to feed the beast, the flesh, the man, the dark part of my soul, the imposter. And I do, given half a chance. When it happens, don't ask me to pray to God, because my god has become whatever is right in front of me. Frankly, at that point I'm not really interested in what God has to say. I just want what I want and I want it NOW and at whatever cost is asked.

But lately things have been different...

Cuz lately, God has been messing with me, exerting his sovereignty in creative yet firm ways. A friend calls. A friend shows up to give me a ride home so I won't be alone. He is arranging the events in my life to keep me from acting out. It's truly amazing and "awe-ful" to watch. He is so in control, and he is helping me when I truly cannot help myself. It's sobering and humbling. He cares so much for me.

One day I will be strong.

I think it's Psalm 23 or 25 that says that God forgives us not for OUR sake but for HIS NAME'S. That's a comforting thought. His mercy is for HIS glory and he fiercely guards that.

I'm amazed. "I created the world in seven days... all this... watch what I can do in your life..."



At 11:33 PM , Blogger beth said...

We all fight our battles. You have a better glimpse than most of what's at stake and Who is involved.

I found this, with my own battles: when you are really ready to let go, you will. It's not about anything other than that. 'It' does not control you, in spite of how it feels as if that is so.

While you are still convinced that you can plug a hole in this way - that it's the only way to meet that need - then you will consistently be drawn, and fall more than you'd like. When you are ready to give it up, you will.

...and you're getting ready...


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